So about three years ago, I lost my nana seemingly out of the blue. A man I grew up idolizing, someone I never saw getting sick a day in his life, had a cold and constant body aches during the last week of his life. I think some part of me knew what was coming, a part of me was just numb when it happened. I couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t just be gone, ya know? The day he passed, I didn’t lose my grandfather, it felt like I lost my father. Because for most intents and purposes, he was.
I’ve tried to put this feeling into words countless times now, time, and again I felt like what I was trying to say never justified the raw emotion and pain that took over me. He left out of nowhere and I realized I was one of the only two men left in my mum’s home that could take care of a family. I shut my emotions off upon this realization, I put a brave face on and stuck by my family as much as I physically could.
Emotionally for the better part of a year, I was dead. I don’t think I truly processed what it meant to have him not be around. I never processed what losing my biggest supporter meant. We had this tradition where I’d go meet him before I went out with friends, he’d always ask to check my wallet to see if I had any money on me. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t but he’d always had me some money before I left.
A year passes, I still haven’t processed not having him around. I still swing by his work, hoping to see him in his chair, waiting for me with a smile that always seemed to ease any worries I ever had. But all I see now is an empty chair. One of the biggest regrets I have of my time with him is that I only have a handful of pictures with him. I never really thought that one day those pictures are all I would have.
It was at this time that I’d scrapped my way to A2, despite what happened, A-Levels waits for no one. I had to put on my brave face again. The past year was so difficult, I constantly kept pushing loved ones away. Kept to myself. But it was finally time to start facing reality, and I did it through my art. I had to make a portfolio for my A2 Media Studies class in the form of a short film.
And I chose to put all my hurt, all my sadness, my anger every single emotion I felt up till that moment into my film. Saudade was as close as a representation of my mental state during the two years after his death. I felt lost, alone but as if I didn’t have time for feeling like that. I had to step up and be an adult. Too many times in my life I’ve felt like I had to be the adult in a situation, but nana never let me. He’d always remind me to be a child until I no longer could.
He never told me what I’d have to do once he was gone.
The past couple of years Eid hasn’t felt worth celebrating without him. It wasn’t Eid without his smile, it wasn’t Eid without the hug that could make everything bad go away. Eid wasn’t the same without my dad. Eid wasn’t the same without the best male influence I ever had in my life. If there’s anything anyone reading this likes about me, you have my nana to thank for that.
Coincidentally, Eid and my birthday have been falling very close to each other these past three years. My birthday was much the same, I didn’t want to do anything and my friends knew that. The first year I did nothing, the second year my friends ended up throwing me a surprise birthday trying to get me to normalize my life without him. And I will never stop being grateful to them for that.
This Eid, despite everything that’s going on I was determined to make it different. There would be no more moping, there would be no more regrets. This year, I took multiple pictures with Nanu people, I would no longer be upset for not capturing a moment in time for XYZ reasons. This year, I would force my family together by means and get at least one family portrait.
I hope nana is looking down at me from heaven as I write this and knows how much I love him and how much I miss him. I wasn’t ready to have him leave then, and if he was here right now I wouldn’t let him go now. I’m not ready to grow up without you nana. You’ll never see me graduate, you’ll never see me screen my first film in a cinema. You’ll never see me achieving all the dreams I have.
I miss you more than I can put into words. As these tears stream down my face while I write this, I hope I’m making you proud. I’m doing my best to be a good person. I take care of mummy, I fight with her much less. I’m even helping take care of the shop! I’m doing Law now. I know you told mummy you thought I had an aptitude for it, so I’m doing this for you. To make you proud.
Wherever you are now, I love you. I’m trying to be better, to be a man like you. So that I can be someone worth looking up to. Thank you for giving me someone to strive after. I’m trying to never take any more moments for granted. I’m trying to smile more and live life to the absolute fullest like you wanted me to. I hope you’re happy with me.
It’s been about three years now but it’s still so surreal, but even so I’ve accepted it. No more pushing the feelings or thoughts away. No more sadness, no more regrets. This feeling, the emptiness you feel after losing someone you love, it never really goes away. It’s just something you learn to live with, it grows with you. And after a while it stops weighing you down but helps you heal. I hope whoever is reading this, somehow my words reach you and you cherish the moments you have with your loved ones. If recent events have taught us anything, its that anything can happen at any moment. Live life to the fullest, no one knows when it may end.
The Romantic Hopelessly 