A Guardian Angel’s Tale

How do you love a girl who no longer wishes to love herself? How do you help her realise her worth? She cut her hair thinking no one would bother telling her how beautiful she looked when she’d kept it long, I longed to tell her but couldn’t for it was not my place. She stopped smiling thinking no one would care that she didn’t, I cared but could not voice my displeasure for my job was only to watch. She stopped spreading all the joy she spread because she believed there would be other people to take her place, how could I tell her of all the little children who wished to see their big sister again? Her eyes lost the mirth they once held, gone was the girl I’d been sent to look after, gone was the girl who simply brightened people’s days just by her presence. 

It seemed the girl I fell in love with was truly gone forever… but I wouldn’t believe it. Ever since I could remember she was like the flame of a burning candle in a room filled with darkness, lighting up the path for herself and all those around her. Spreading love and joy wherever she went, and the people, by God the people loved her for it. The girl I saw before me now was dead, emotionally she was destroyed. Her eyes were dull and the beautiful pools of gold I often found myself lost in had become cold and emotionless. The colour in her once rosy cheeks seemed to leave her pale almost as if she were sick, the smile that seemed to stop wars in place was no longer there…

I wished to hug her and tell her everything would be alright, to kiss her and tell her how she was so breathtakingly beautiful but I could not. I was to be her guardian but never to interfere with her directly, I could only protect her as much as she wished to protect herself. We often believe that our entire lives are already written out for us, that every action we commit is predestined for us and there is nothing we can do to change it but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We choose the life we think we deserve, not the ones we wish we had because we deem ourselves unworthy of them. But who is to decide who is worthy and who is not? Your destiny is within your own hands if only you wish to reach out and take it for your own. 

As much as I may love her, I cannot influence her directly, I cannot make her decisions for her she must do that herself. But I believe, before I came into her life there were things she kept to herself, spoke to no one about them. But now, now that she has me there beside her she try’s to open up, to speak about what ails her, in those brief moments of vulnerability she seems so fragile and I’m afraid to even touch her, as if she were made of glass and one wrong move could have her falling apart into my hands. 

God sent me to her to teach her to love herself again, to have her hope once again. To show her He hadn’t abandoned her, that I was her guardian angel and I’d be there whenever she needed me. I was sent to ‘fix’ her, but how do you fix someone who is so utterly broken they believe they are no longer worth being saved? I pray that I find an answer to my worries, I pray she finds the peace she so desperately needs in her life. As I feel the time passing me by, I can feel the grains of time slipping through my fingers, I’m reminded of my inability to help the one I love but then I’m reminded of the strong, beautiful and hope filled girl it was who I fell in love with and the fires in my heart reignite because I know she’s in there somewhere deep down. 

Wherever you’re drowning, whatever you feel is pulling you down so far that you cannot escape from it, I promise you, you are far stronger than you realise. You can and will break free from this, you are everything that represents what all women of this era wish to be seen as. Strong, intelligent, beautiful, caring, passionate all of this and more I just need you to believe in it one more time and look into the mirror and see what I wish to see in you again. 

There is more to living than not dying, and I wish I could show you how much your life means, to not throw it away. We are all the pieces of what we remember. We hold in ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there is love and memory, there is no true loss.